Chad takes you on a tour of the Homo No Mo Halfway House...
Tex finds out the church can be a dangerous place for a horny hormo.
Pete visits the Homono Half-way House!
The minister who doesn't deliever easy answers.
Chad, the program participant, takes you by the hand
Chad is a zany, deluded participant in the program who leads the audience through a tour of the Homo No Mo Halfway House. He explains how the program operates with its many rules and it own specialized lingo.
"Since this is a Christian, residential, 12-Step program to help men overcome their addiction to homosexuality and compulsive sexual behavior, we’ve got to follow the rules the staff created for us. These are designed to keep us on the straight and narrow path to our ex-gay future. For instance, We have to make our beds everyday. We cannot have any facial hair of any kind. We cannot exceed more than 15 minutes a day behind a bathroom door, (they provide timers to help us from going over.) And of course there is no masturbation. Like duh!"
Tex, married with children
Another program participant, Tex, is married with children and strives to "straighten out" his life. Of course he does not realize what a dangerous place the church can be for a horny homo.
"The incident I prepared to tell y’all about actually took place after I moved into the Homo No Mo Halfway House. Oh, now it didn’t take place in the house itself. You may be surprised to hear it, but guys don’t typically hook up here in the house. I have a theory about it--it’s the Texas-sized biscuits they serve every night at dinner. After a few days here we just don’t find each other very attractive. These big ole biscuits turn us into bloated and greasy hogs fattened up and ready to roast."
Pete, a character based on my dad
In the theater piece I also play my dad, Pete, and through him (using most of his own colorful NYC words) I recount what it is like for a parent to attend the Family and Friends weekend at the Homo No Mo Halfway House.
"We go to the first meeting, and we head inside this big round church. It was huge, like a giant space ship. And sure enough, as soon as they sat us down in a circle and started doing their therapy crap, I realized that we just got abducted by aliens!"
Rev. Meadows, a provocative minister
One of my favorite characters is Rev. Meadows. He is a mixture of a minister I know from Memphis and another I knew when I lived in England. So much of the ex-gay movement is based in religion, so it is critical to hear a voice from the church. Of course this particular minister prefers to provoke his congregation rather than provide them with easy answers.
"’Jesus wept.’ That is the shortest verse in the Bible, and when I read it, I wonder, ‘Why?’ Was Jesus just a tender soul easily moved by the tears of those around him, or did he suddenly feel the grief of losing his dear friend, Lazaurus? Or perhaps these are tears of remorse and guilt because he chose to do nothing to help his dying friend."
This character is very much based on myself, particularly when I lived in NYC and attended a charismatic, full-Gospel Church. Marvin loves the Bible (and re-arranging them so that they are lined up based on accuracy of translation) and is not afraid to speak his mind.
"Hi, my name is Marvin, Marvin Bloom. I'm from Long Island, or as my pastor liked to call it, The Lord's Island, because we are going to win it for Christ."
The Homo No Mo program would not be complete without someone from a distant land. Vlad is a wonderfully caustic and saucy Russian who knows how to mix up his English in order to provoke other participants.
"There are five phases in the program. When you move from phase to phase, this is called a "phase bump," and technically, only the staff is allowed to bump you."